Election!
Holy crap, it’s finally here. The picture is of me collecting a COVID safe “I voted” sticker. Last weekend my family and I walked a few bocks to our local library and put our ballots in the book drop, which was our official drop-off location. I am coping so much better than I expected. I’m not here to give coping advice, but I am going to share what has been working for me.
First, I spoke with a mentor this morning. I have been feeling really uncertain about myself lately. The stress of the election/pandemic/general crises, and it has been affecting my ability to do my schoolwork up to my own personal standards. My professors assure me that the quality of my work is fine, but I don’t feel fine. It was good to touch base with an old professor who is supporting me with my Ph.D. application. I was anxious about this conversation because I forget that social interactions can truly be positive. It was actually relaxing, and I came away from the discussion feeling better about myself and the world.
Next, I walked to a local store and went through their clearance bin. I love cheap plastic stuff because they make great stim toys. I got lots of little activity kits to help me pass the time, and I got a big puzzle to work on. I also found some “Littlest Pet Shop” critters, which made me very happy. I always wanted them as a kind, but I was ashamed to admit that because they seemed ‘too girly’ to me as a little kid. When I grew out of being ashamed of stereotypically feminine interests I was ashamed of wanting ‘little kid stuff.’ Now the Littlest Pet Shop critters are sitting on my laptop as I type and I have been carrying around a stuffed animal all day. The autism community has helped me grow out of a lot of self-loathing I have been carrying for far too long.
Content Warning ⚠️: discussion of food and eating habits
Another way I have been coping is by eating a lot of junk food. I know it will make me feel worse in the long run, but today I need the short term bursts of serotonin that eating junk food provides. While I was at the store I bought some of my favorite snacks, and later I went to get boba tea with my mom. I will be eating my safe food for dinner. I struggle with interoception related to hunger, so normally I try to keep an eating schedule and plan a balance of foods each day, but today I know I will get more benefit from eating for fun than I would from eating for sustenance.
Tonight I am going to the climbing gym with a friend to burn some nervous energy and then I will head to the county elections office for my graveyard shift as a ballot extractor. I am excited about the work. I have had plenty of training, so I know what I’m doing, and I will be able to listen to podcasts while I work. I get to be a part of the democratic process and keep my mind off the results. I will fall asleep first thing in the morning tomorrow, and hopefully, there will be some clear results by the time I wake up.
Content Warning ⚠️: Medication
I think a big part of why my mood today has been better than I expected is that I took a 24hr benzodiazepine with my morning meds. This is one of my ‘serious meds,’ and I’ve only taken it a few times since it was prescribed a while back. When I took it this morning, I was still concerned about the possibility of an adverse reaction. I’m glad it has gone well. I’m glad it has lifted my mood without having any other noticeable effects, like an immediate effect or a high. I know medication can be controversial and tough to talk about, but my myriad medications have saved my life. I don’t think I could tell this story accurately without mentioning them.
Stay safe and take care of yourselves tonight!
